Lost In The Loss

It has been awhile since my last post and though I could brush it off as simply being to busy to sit down, the truth is I haven't felt much like writing. There has been no shortage of material to write about, we actually have been incredibly busy, but just as I was looking forward to writing a wondrous piece about the happiest of life events we got some very unexpected news. 

I'll jump back to August and our camping trip to Klienke Park. After a fun weekend of the beach we got home Sunday afternoon and started unpacking. I was busy in the kitchen when Erin pulled out a little surprise from her back pocket and flashed it in my face. 

We were PREGNANT!!!!

After months of trying our dream had come true. This also explained why Erin had been so tired all weekend and incredibly hungry that morning. 

My head was swirling and my legs could barely hold me up. This was it. Since making the decision to have a child I had wondered how I would feel about this very moment. The answer never came because you really can't prepare yourself for something like that. I was happy and scared and excited and anxious. I have been working on being a parent to Chelsea and Clayton but I'll always have to settle for only getting to be their stepfather. Now I was going to get to feel what it was like to be a dad to one of my own. 

We called and told our immediate family but knew we had to wait to tell the world. So I bit my fingertips to stop me from writing all about it and sharing it here. There were milestones to hit before announcing such news. The big one we wanted to wait for was our first ultrasound. 

October 12th came and we got up early with excitement. After dropping Chelsea off at school and Clayton at daycare for the day we headed south to Green Bay. Erin was 12 weeks in and this was the day we were going to get the first glimpse of our baby. We arrived at the hospital and met with a genetic counselor who went over our family history to see if there were any possibilities of genetic issues that might arise. She covered all of the possible chromosome mutations. Then we headed over for our ultrasound. The technician started and was scanning back and forth. She stepped out to go get our doctor to take a look. 

Erin knew before they even came back in the room. 

Our baby had stopped growing at five and a half weeks. 

Much in the same way but altogether completely different, my head was swirling and my legs could barely hold me up. Going into that day I only had the concept of a baby in my head. I think for the fathers its hard to gauge how something you've never seen or felt makes you feel. I was still very unsure of all of it. Now in an instant I knew how I felt about everything. I felt lost. WE felt lost. All I could do was hold Erin's hand and cry. 

The doctor talked to us for awhile, explaining that so much can go wrong in the cells that we will never know what caused this. Its a reminder of how much really has to go right for any one of us to be here today. We headed home still trying to grasp what had happened. To go from the expectation of a very exciting and happy day to the absolute worst day in your life is gut wrenching. And I say that with no exaggeration, it was truly the worst day of our lives. 

Again, we called our families and maybe the only thing harder than hearing it is having to tell others. I hoped for numbness. I hoped it would come over me like an exhaustion and I could escape the way my skin felt under the tears. It never came. Every time I thought I had a grip on it I looked at Erin and fell to pieces all over again. As much as it hurt for me I knew it could never compare to how she felt. The only solace to be had was to be there to hold her. 

That evening Erin's mother Karen came over to visit and comfort us. Our friends Rachael and Danielle also came by with the gift of hugs and various pints of ice cream. It was an unexpected and much appreciated gesture. 

Early the next day we drove back to the hospital for Erin to have surgery. It meant goodbye to our baby that her body had held onto well after it had stopped growing. 

In the weeks since we have slowly come to terms with everything. There are still moments of sadness that sneak up when you least expect them but we have to keep our heads up. We are ok. 

And if you were wondering, yes, we are going to keep trying. If this has done anything good its to reassure both of us that we want to have a child.