Hopeful Realism with a Dash of Disappointment

As it turns out your blood can't hide the truth. The call from the Dr's office came in yesterday and we are not pregnant this month. This news was not completely unexpected since this was our first month trying and the first month off of birth control. But we were late. Late enough for hopes and daydreams to bubble up inside. 

I suppose if I'm going to be honest with myself about how the idea of having a child of my own came to be, I would say it started with that same kind of daydream. Maybe not about a child, per se, but about my life with Erin. Our relationship started a very long way apart from each other. Without ever meeting her in person I fell in love and when that happens the mind can only be allowed to romanticize. It was difficult to communicate at first, with hours between messages sometimes. When a minute can seem like a lifetime an hour stretches to eternity. So what do you do? You daydream. I let my mind wander to every aspect of what my life could be like once I was finally able to be with her. Somewhere in there, way on the back shelf of possibilities, there was a daydream of doing something with someone that I would never have done. Something powerful that creates a bond I still don't fully understand. 

That is where the seed of my own child was planted but being a parent was set the moment Erin and I decided we were going to be together. She has two very wonderful children of her own already. Maybe some introductions are due. Here are Erin, Chelsea and Clayton.

Look at those smiles.

Coming into a pre-made family like this has been an adjustment. Going from never having kids to living with and being responsible for a 5 and 3 year old... Its a entirely different life. But they won me over nearly instantly and as much as anything they opened my eyes and my heart to what having kids is really about. I honestly could not ask for three more amazing people to spend my time with. 

Looking at that picture even now makes yesterday's news even a little more disappointing. I am hopeful about next month and realistically it is much more likely to happen then than it was this month. For tonight I can be a little sad, but not too sad. I've got a great family already and I know just what to do. 

Build a fire.

Pour some wine and roast marshmallows.

 Have s'mores with E and the kids.

And daydream. 

Looking Back, Looking Forward

To borrow from one of my all time favorites Tom Petty, the waiting is the hardest part. To be more specific, waiting to know if your fiance is pregnant or not is indeed the hardest part. That's where I am right now. That's where WE are -I should say- because from the moment the decision was made to have a child together, everything to do with it became ours. Now don't get me wrong, she, Erin, is the superstar in this whole thing and she gets all of the credit. I simply mean I will be there every step of the way and be her greatest supporter. But we will get there. Lets get back to that waiting.... And waiting.... 

This is our first month trying to conceive. So far no positive tests, but we will find out today...one way or another. It would be incredible if it happens this first time around but I'm trying to stay realistic about the possibility that it won't happen this time. Or even for several months.

Our decision was made during one of those 1 a.m. conversations. The ones where you are both completely exhausted but wide awake.

Erin: "Do you ever think about us having a baby?"

Me: "Yeah"

That may seem like a very innocuous start to such a huge life decision but context is key. I never wanted kids. In fact I have spent my entire adult life bucking the very idea. Enthusiastically, and sometimes angrily, debating with anyone that suggested I should have "at least one". My laundry list of reasons was extensive to say the least. I went as far as to have a very serious conversation with my ex-wife before we were married to make sure she completely understood my position on the subject. Every couple should have that conversation before marriage. 

So you may be asking what changed? Why the seemingly sudden 180 on a hard line conviction I held onto with vise-like grip?

I changed. Everything. 

That's what this blog is and will be all about. Changing. The ones I've already made, the ones I'm making, and the ones that will come with becoming a father. I invite you along for my journey into Dad-hood.

Everything I never knew I wanted finally right in front of me.